sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
