Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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