i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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