Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
