we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
