Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize