Just took my morning after pill in the library
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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