I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize