She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize