im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
