I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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