God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
