your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize