She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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