I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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