I think I died a long time ago.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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