If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
