he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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