I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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