I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
