I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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