ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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