Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
