What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
