Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
