i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
