East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize