epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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