Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
