Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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