its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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