OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
