my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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