dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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