Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize