R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
