you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
