I need to stop coming to work sober
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
