Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
