We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
