I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
