What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Damn victory sex feels great
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
