Pants 0. Shit 1.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
