When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize