Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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