I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
