There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
