Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
