with your own penis?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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