I think I died a long time ago.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
