he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
