dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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