my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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