I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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