i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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