i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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