I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
