I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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