Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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