I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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