Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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