If i come over, it means nothing
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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