the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
