billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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