i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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