I think I won the penis lottery.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
