She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
