when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
